Depression and anxiety is so unpredictable. It hurts, it’s confusing and it’s a fight with yourself that you may not win. You may have some good days and for certain you will have some bad days.
It’s really not up to you, when you will have the bad day or days. There’s several things I’ve been doing to help me have good days. I eat very healthy, I exercise 6 days a week. I take my psyche medications everyday and on time. I pray to Jehovah God several time throughout the day to thank him for the gift of life and to enjoy and repect that wondeful gift.
I have had enough energy, even if I’m dealing with other physical illness and pain. I enjoy my children, I cook and able to do some house chores. I’ve had a smile on my face, genuinely. Not the smiley face for the world while I’m dying inside.
Better yet, something I’ve been struggling with have gotten better. Yes I’ve been sleeping better and able to take naps with my toddler. I have been able to do activities with her and keep up with her because she has a lot of energy.
Today, like every other Tuesday morning. I woke up at 5am, I pray. I get myself ready for bootcamp, make my coffee to drink afterwards, because I exercise on an empty stomach, after bootcamp, as I was stretching I wanted to cry. There were no reason for me to cry. So I didn’t. I held it in. I enjoyed my coffee as I drove home. I took a hot shower and was even able to take an extra 2 hours nap with my daughter.
Then, the unexpected. As I make breakfast and take my medication, it slowly creep up on me. Unexpectedly , “I am sad”. So of course, the first feeling you get is guilt. The guilt of how you are suddenly ill and want to crawl in a corner and be alone. The guilt, of how the ones around you are going to be affected by this other you. The you, that does not want to talk and full of confusion of what your brain is doing.
The guilt, of so many things that you have to do, that’s not going to get done. How much more anxious you become, as you think of what your love ones thinks of you, because you’re not doing what’s expected of you. How much more guilt you feel, because you are 100% not present and available for your children the way you want to.
As a result, you do the only thing you know how to do. You tell your children you’re not feeling well. Then, continue to do the impossible. You drag yourself around to take care of your toddler, which is extremely hard. You continue to alpologize to your older children, saying I’m sorry, “I know you’re bored but I can’t do this or that”.
As your feel more guilt, you feel more anxiety. Your heart beats so fast it feels like it’s going to come out your mouth. In the meantime, tears rolling down yours eye. Trying to figure out how to make yourself feel better so you can meet the demands of each member of your household. From the husband to the children.
I know a lot of women and men have those days. I know there’s a lot mothers and wives dealing with those days. Young ones as well. Clinical depression & Anxiety does not discriminate.
Are you having a day like this? Have you at some point in your weeks? Months? Unexpectedly, you are sad!.
How am I going to handle today? I will post about it and give you all an update.